so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
