i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
