My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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