a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
