How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
