Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
