my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
