Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
