So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
