we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just want nice things and good sex
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
