we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
