Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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