Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
