I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
