ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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