I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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