Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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