new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Is Oprah even human
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
