If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
