boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
