My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
