not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
