I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
