Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
