Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
