You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
