so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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