I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
