I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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