the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
