Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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