What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
