The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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