Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
