Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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