Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
