Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
