why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
