She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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