The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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