He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
