I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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