I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
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Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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