U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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