i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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