Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
