I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
