I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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