I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
