and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
