The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
