I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
