fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
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I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
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The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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