I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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