somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
