How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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